Relationships shouldn’t keep score

My blogs usually focus on food & body acceptance, but today, the topic is relationships. Because I just need to get something off my chest.

Something happened in my personal relationship that hit me hard, that upset me, that perplexed me & that made me say to myself:

  1. This is not what God would want or do.
  2. This is not a healthy relationship tactic.

We were already in a serious discussion about “where we stand,” but when THIS happened, I knew deep down in my gut, in my heart, that this relationship wasn’t going to move forward.

[…have I teased what this ONE thing is enough? ;)]

Ok, ok. That ONE thing is…

KEEPING SCORE.

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Has anyone else experienced a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse keeping score in your relationship?

My man may have well hit me with a tire iron because that’s how I felt when he perfectly listed out everything I had done wrong, been insecure about or had brought up in conversation because of feeling uncomfortable or “off.”

Really? Silly me. I thought we had a healthy-enough relationship with an open platform to be transparent, talk & listen to each other & work things out through productive communication.

Little did I know, all of these things were being mentally noted.

Back story for you: I got out of a very toxic, unhealthy relationship where trust & worth were completely stripped from myself & the relationship. There was a LARGE warning — like huge RED FLAG — that I flew in front of this kid before agreeing to be with him. I wanted to make sure he knew the baggage & the learning curve he might have to endure to find a healthy ground, or really for me to find a healthy ground. He reassured me that he teaches second grade & that he will be patient — he wanted to help & be there for me [I really did think he wasn’t real].

And for the record, he did many things to make me second guess whether he was actually real (cooked me breakfast every morning, checked in on me when I was sick, supported me through a divorce, etc.). By me writing this blog and mentioning one thing that he did, I don’t want to discredit all the amazing things he did do & the good character I know he has.

But unfortunately, it was clear at this point that somewhere along the way, or maybe even the whole time, he was making notes of the “little things” or the hiccups we had.

What happens when you keep score?scores1

These little things turn into bullets that you keep dormant until you need to shoot at the very right moment. They bubble up under the surface, creating bitterness & resentment towards the other. They slowly transform how you feel about & see the other person, without them even knowing.

It’s TOXIC.

And it’s HURTFUL.

When I saw that list, my heart hurt a little bit. Quite frankly, it SUCKED [sorry for the trashy jargon, but ‘SUCKED’ is the most accurate description of how it felt.]

I see myself as a good, kind, loyal, trusting, Godly gal. And guess what ya’ll? I make mistakes! I have flaws!

The difference in me & a lot of gals though is that I own my mistakes & flaws. I practice self-awareness & reflection, which allows me to be open about how I feel, what I’m doing wrong & to even say “sorry.” Believe it or not, it took me 29 years to teach my stubborn self how to say sorry to someone — sad, I know.

This past week, I was PMS-ing and I told the now ‘Ex:’

I’m being a brat…I’m fully aware of it. I feel like I can’t control it & I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel less than you deserve to feel. I’m being nit-picky & I don’t like it — it’s not me.

He appreciated me being open & said he understood and that it was OK.

But, it wasn’t.

Bottom line:

God doesn’t keep a list of everything we’ve done wrong & punish us or plan our future path based on these “sins.” Relationships should be the same way.

Needless to say, we decided to go our separate ways.

But I am thankful for this kid & our short-lived relationship — it taught me something as all relationships should.

Keeping score aside, I am now able to see that I was making it hard for us to flourish too. It’s hard for your other half to win if they are suffering from something that a past love did to you. I get that. If you base your relationship off fear of the past, there’s no chance to experience the miracles of love that blossom from a healthy relationship. So, what I will make sure to apply in my next relationship:

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…and for this lesson, I’m thankful. 

Have any of you experienced keeping score in a relationship? How did you handle it? Would love to hear!

XoXo,
Carrie

 

 

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